An Honest Challenge to LGBTQ-Non-Affirming Christians

Ten ways to incarnate the Good News for LGBTQ people

By Matthew Hunsberger

As a former "Side B" gay Christian, I completely understand the arguments for traditional Christian views on LGBTQ-related beliefs, teachings, and practices. I've been there, and I've used all of the arguments and scriptures against homosexuality. What I continually fail to comprehend is how indifferent most traditionalist Christians seem to be to studies showing that "LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth," and that "40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt, 92% of [whom] reported having attempted suicide before the age of 25."

So my challenge is this: If you identify as a follower of Christ who believes that all same-gender romantic relationships are sinful, can you at least acknowledge that that teaching has caused a lot of damage in the lives of real people—probably even people you know—and can you prove to me that you're not indifferent to that reality?

If, in fact, you are indifferent to that reality, then we have very different ideas about what it means to follow Jesus. But if you are not indifferent to that reality, then show me the fruit. Most of what I hear from the church on these issues is a deafening silence–even from people who I know to be full of love and care for all types of marginalized people—even from people who I know to be full of love and care for me!

I'm unashamedly "Side A" now—I believe that God does, in fact, bless same-sex relationships. However, I'm willing to live with honest disagreement, and if I see evidence that my non-affirming friends are willing to concede that the church is utterly failing those of us who identify as LGBTQ, and that they're willing to begin to right that wrong, I could be really passionate about helping them to find ways of staying true to their beliefs while working to change the message of the church and Christianity to bring real Good News, even to LGBTQ people!

If my non-affirming friends are willing to concede that the church is utterly failing those of us who identify as LGBTQ and are willing to begin to right that wrong, I could be really passionate about helping them to find ways of staying true to their beliefs while working to change the message of the church and Christianity to bring real Good News, even to LGBTQ people!

Personally, I feel incredibly fortunate to have never contemplated suicide, never faced rejection from my immediate family, never been bullied or teased because of my attraction to men. However, I have many friends for whom these situations are daily reality. And though my rejection has been fairly mild, I grew up in hidden personal torment—believing that I couldn't be gay, because I was a good Christian and my attractions were incompatible with Christian faith.

I couldn't tell anyone the struggles I was going through, because I would be labeled, teased, have my faith doubted. And I had tried so hard to change! I had prayed so much and cried out to God to change me. The only thing I knew to do was to try to trick everyone and hide who I was for as long as possible—and it mostly worked.

By the time I came out, I had lived with straight privilege for so long and had gained enough respect from the church community that some people actually still believed that my faith was real. Some started to question their earlier assumptions about gay people. Some quietly distanced themselves from me—being very polite to me, but greeting me less enthusiastically when they see me. My home church has stopped inviting me to lead music every time I come home (something that they had done every time I traveled home previously). I'm mostly loved and supported by a wonderful community of friends and believers in my circles, but I notice the places where the love and support has dropped off simply because I'm Side A gay. My story is nothing compared to a lot of my LGBTQ friends, but I've still been hurt by the church and by those who say they follow Christ.

So how can a non-affirming Christian start to share Good News with LGBTQ people? I have a few suggestions/challenges:

  1. Assume that there are LGBTQ people in your church. It's highly likely that there are, whether you know it or not. Be cognizant of that in all of your conversations about anything LGBTQ-related. Your youth are paying attention, and learning whether church is a safe place for them to bring their whole selves, or whether they need to fight who they are and hide who they are. "My church doesn't believe in gay people" may sound silly, but a lot of people believe it. They think they can pretend that this is an issue that they don't have to confront directly because it's "out there."
  2. Don't do anything to pressure people to come out. If they haven't come out yet, they probably haven't found the safety to do so. Do everything in your power to make sure your church and community are safe places for people to be honest about who they are—when they're ready.
  3. If someone you know, particularly a younger person, comes out as LGBTQ, reach out to them and let them know you care about them. Provide a place of safety for their questions and struggles.
  4. Don't be afraid to have real, honest conversations about differing beliefs on homosexuality. It's incredibly painful to me to be at the center of an issue that divides churches, denominations, family, and friends, but it's even more painful that so many people are afraid to even open up the conversation. Literally, people's lives are at stake when the church ignores this conversation. But too many seem indifferent to that fact. I understand the fear of being led astray or having your beliefs challenged when you're so convinced that you're right. Please try to acknowledge that people of good faith have wildly divergent views sometimes, and trust that the Holy Spirit can guide us, if not to uniformity, at least to unity. Whether from a place of affirmation or non-affirmation, please try to avoid saying, "I don't even know why we're having this conversation!" Those of us at the center of the debate can feel very hurt by that assertion.
  5. Pray. Pray from a place of humility. Pray for unity. Pray for guidance, both individually and corporately. Don't pray for others to see things your way—pray for all of us to see things God's way.
  6. Start with love. That sounds trite, but, after all, it is Jesus' first commandment. And it's always where Jesus started. Don't start the conversation with, "But Jesus said 'Go and sin no more!'" He did say that, but it's not where he started. In every interaction, with every person, Jesus started with love.
  7. Listen. Seek out and read/hear stories of people you know and people you don't know. When you know someone who comes out as LGBTQ, approach them with compassionate curiosity, not condemnation. You don't have to compromise your beliefs to understand how they may have faced rejection by the church. It's not your job to judge or convict them, but to love them and to do your best to understand them. Only when you've really tried to understand what they've experienced will you be able to speak Good News in a way that they'll be able to receive it.
  8. Don't try to compare someone else's same-sex attraction to your struggle with lust, or some other sin. It's not the same thing. If you don't understand how it's not the same thing, refer to my previous suggestion/challenge.
  9. Avoid saying things like "Well, we're all sinners, so…" While I understand the intent of trying to identify with another person in that way, it diminishes the depth of their experience and immediately reminds them that you believe something in the core of their identity is inherently sinful.
  10. This one is going to stretch some of you. If you ever happen to get invited to a gay wedding, then you're an important person in the life of the couple—and you should go. Staying home to protest the wedding won't convict them that they're living in sin; it will just show them that your personal piety is more important to you than your care for them. Chances are, they already know how you feel and what you believe, and they've taken the chance and invited you anyway, because they love you. But whether or not you go, please don't feel the need to write a letter to explain, excuse, or disclaim.

Please try to acknowledge that people of good faith have wildly divergent views sometimes, and trust that the Holy Spirit can guide us, if not to uniformity, at least to unity.

So, there are a few suggestions. But I really am serious when I say that I want to challenge you to show me that you're not indifferent to the real pain that the church has caused in the lives of so many who are hurting. I would love to find some common ground! If you believe that all same-sex romantic relationships are wrong, this article is not meant to change your mind. I simply want you to show me that you care. Tell me how you're speaking out and acting out love to those who carry a lot of pain because, for them, the church has failed to be a source of Good News.

Matthew Hunsberger grew up in the Mennonite faith and chose to follow Jesus in that particular stream when he was baptized into the church at age 14. It's a stream he has to continually re-choose every day, it seems, especially in the last six years when he started coming out as gay, and particularly in the past three years when his specific beliefs about faith and sexuality began to reconcile with each other. He is also an Oriented to Love alum. This article originally appeared on his blog, Hope & Pain, and is reproduced here by permission. This article is also available in Spanish.

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9 Responses

  1. John Seel says:

    As a "Side B" Christian LGBTQ ally, this article broke my heart. Matthew is exactly right. Until Side B Christians start acting like Jesus, it will be impossible for Side B gays to remain so. This is less an intellectual debate as a requirement for an epistemology of love. I have volunteered with The Trevor Project. Matthew's statistics regarding suicide are spot on. In addition, those that are "questioning" but not out have an eight times higher suicide rate, often in the South out of Christian households. This is just not right. I too am an OTL alum and I am so grateful for the content and spirit of this article. There is work to be done.

    • Matthe says:

      Thank you, John. And thank you for your volunteer work with the Trevor project! I'm so glad for all allies…whether side A or side B who are willing to reach out in demonstrative love! Blessings to you!

  2. Stefie says:

    Thank you! Well-written and Spirit-filled. God bless you in your journey, brother!

  3. Ezekiel Adams says:

    Another OTL alum here, identifying as straight and Side B, and I greatly appreciate this article.

    Yes, the church is utterly failing those of you who identify as LGBTQ, and I want to be part of righting that wrong.

    Yes, the secrecy, the cold welcome, the suicide rate, and other things you describe are the result of grave sin on the part of us in the Church.

    Yes, I fully endorse your ten bulleted points as things that all Christians should do.

    There are some places where you describe the Side B position in terms that are more harsh than I can own, at least for my own version of that position. This includes: "all same-gender romantic relationships are sinful" and "you believe something in the core of their identity is inherently sinful." I would also suggest that it is not Biblical teaching but other sins on the part of the Church that have "caused a lot of damage in the lives of real people." This may or may not be the venue to discuss such things.

  4. Matthew says:

    Ezekiel, thank you for the reminder that not everything I've felt from the majority of my side B spiritual siblings is something that all side B Christians can own. That's part of my de-tangling journey.

  5. Derek Kaser says:

    Another OTL alum here.

    I'm one of the LGBTQ Side B folks. I agree wholeheartedly with the 10 points that you make in the numbered list.

    However, I think that your earlier challenge is unrealistic. Specifically, I'm referring to this:

    "So my challenge is this: If you identify as a follower of Christ who believes that all same-gender romantic relationships are sinful, can you at least acknowledge that that teaching has caused a lot of damage in the lives of real people—probably even people you know—and can you prove to me that you're not indifferent to that reality?"

    I think this is rather uncharitable toward side B folks for a variety of reasons.

    First, I believe it misrepresents how many side B folks interpret what scripture says. I view Side B as the premise that same-sex sexual intercourse is sinful. This belief has no bearing on the appropriateness of romantic relationships (and in fact beliefs regarding same-gender romance within side B are very diverse).

    Second, I think that it is unrealistic to expect for Side B folks to acknowledge that the teaching of side B (that same-sex sexual intercourse is sinful) has caused a lot of damage in people's lives. I base this on the premise that Biblical teaching will not cause true harm in people's lives. Rather, I think there are other dynamics at work.

    Churches and Christians have committed grave sins towards LGBTQ persons — either through false teaching and hatred (conversion therapy, "gays go to hell", etc.), or the variety of ways Side B churches have failed at teaching and supporting LGBTQ persons ("Don't ask don't tell", limiting access to leadership positions, distrust, distancing, othering, silence). These are substantial errors on the part of churches that have done massive damage to LGBTQ persons. Side B churches need to do a better job of supporting and encouraging side B folks in their midst. This is undeniable.

    I think there's also an interesting discussion to be had around the concept that Biblical teachings (particularly those that demand some level of self-sacrifice) may often look like they cause harm, but in the end serve a greater, beneficial purpose for the individual and/or group. Jesus was willing to endure great harm for the benefit of others — in the end, resulting in our salvation and His exaltation. The pain and suffering was real, but it served a purpose. I don't have this part fully figured out yet, but I think there's something in there worth investigating about how that might apply to the side B ethic too.

    Finally, I'm not a big fan of the use of "non-affirming" to refer to anyone that isn't side A. It's too ambiguous. What is the person non-affirming of? This can mean many things, from non-affirming of an LGBTQ person's right to exist, to non-affirming of using LGBTQ language, to non-affirming of same-sex sexual intercourse. I might not affirm same-sex sexual intercourse, but I love and cherish my side A friends. I have been invited to two weddings, one of which I went to and one which I would have but could not. I've spent considerable time and energy working with QCF (formerly GCN), including working to help support breakout sessions by presenters that I know oppose side B. All of these things would seem to be affirming to me, but they all get wiped out in the simple statement "he's non-affirming", which people often interpret in the most uncharitable way possible.

  6. Dan says:

    Why are "Side A" and "Side B" the only choices? Is there a "Side-C"? In other words, is it possible to affirm the full human dignity and worth of every single person (regardless of where they're at, their condition, or unchosen attractions), fully including them in the life and mission of the church, while at the same time not feeling compelled to celebrate or bless *sexualized* same-sex relationships? I think so. One way the church may also be failing is in providing a compelling vision of marriage and family, as well as failing to acknowledge that even the single life can be a fulfilling vocation. "Side B" and "Side A" both seem to be holding the same mistaken premise: That the only way a person can be truly fulfilled is to in a martial, sexual union.

    An example of what this could look like is (then) Cardinal Raztinger's beautifully pastoral letter (from 1986 — long before same-sex relationships become a common thing to talk about):

    "An authentic pastoral programme will assist homosexual persons at all levels of the spiritual life: through the sacraments, and in particular through the frequent and sincere use of the sacrament of Reconciliation, through prayer, witness, counsel and individual care. In such a way, the entire Christian community can come to recognize its own call to assist its brothers and sisters, without deluding them or isolating them.

    From this multi-faceted approach, there are numerous advantages to be gained, not the least of which is the realization that a homosexual person, as every human being, deeply needs to be nourished at many different levels simultaneously.

    The human person, made in the image and likeness of God, can hardly be adequately described by a reductionist reference to his or her sexual orientation. Every one living on the face of the earth has personal problems and difficulties, but challenges to growth, strengths, talents and gifts as well. Today, the Church provides a badly needed context for the care of the human person when she refuses to consider the person as a "heterosexual" or a "homosexual" and insists that every person has a fundamental Identity: the creature of God, and by grace, his child and heir to eternal life.

    • Ezekiel Adams says:

      Dan, everything you're saying sounds like Side B to me. The robust advocates of Side B vociferously insist that marital union and sexual union are not essential to personal fulfillment.

      My only point of disagreement is in your last paragraph. I know you're just quoting Ratzinger at that point, but as Ron Belgau recently pointed out in a blog post on Spiritual Friendship, the English translation of that letter leaves out an important word that is present in the Latin original and in translations into other languages. Where it says "consider the person as," it should read "consider the person only as," which greatly changes the meaning of that section of the text.

  7. Claire says:

    I am so happy I came across this post, Matthew. It is causing me to think, and I am inspired to pray for more love in my heart for LGBTQ brothers and sisters.

    To echo Ezekiel and Derek's points about Church teaching…my question about attending weddings is this: if we as Christians believe that sin truly causes a spiritual death of sorts, and as such should be avoided (like other deliberate sins and vices), is it really right to attend a wedding if one is invited? (Assuming the scenario where the invitee is Side B)
    Why would a gay couple want someone present who is grieving a sin?

    I am truly and honestly asking here. It is hard to ask these questions of my gay friends in the real face to face world so I am here instead.

    It seems like Side A is not convinced that Side B really believes what we say we believe and are just pretending.

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